Say it with flowers… On 14 February, Valentine’s Day, take care of your Valentine, male or female. When it comes to rugby, we are closer to Al Capone’s massacre than to an ecumenical procession. Amen and a bunch of roses…

1892: the pioneers of “je t’aime, moi non plus”

Right then. Racing and Stade Français, that is the first derby, 1892, refereed by Baron Pierre de Coubertin, 4-3 to the sky blue and white. 125 years later, Pascal Papé of Stade Français hands out a free clip round the ear to Henry Chavancy of Racing. Derbies, named after Lord Derby, live on in every sport: Everton – Liverpool, Toulouse – Castres, Bayonne – Biarritz, Real – Atletico, Tulle – Brive, Leicester – Northampton… round, oval, square, who cares what shape the ball is!

La Soule: the ancestor of the romantic punch-up

It starts with la Soule in France and the Leloo in Georgia, both centuries old: a sort of ball that is thrown into the air and fought over by the players of two opposing camps. Roll on, long live la Soule… Narbonne – Perpignan, PUC – Racing, five-finger slaps, first legs following second legs, some getting smacked as they climb onto the bus… Yes indeed, you have to face the home leg with the supporters’ slaps, but when it is time to take the bus for the return fixture, courage is not measured in metres made through the opposition defence!

A world tour of cordial hatreds

A collection of “je t’aime moi non plus”? Here we go, and it is far from exclusive. Say it with flowers:

  • Bayonne – Biarritz: Lulu Harinordoquy, Imanol’s father, coming onto the pitch and getting tackled by Benjamin Boyet…
  • Leicester – Northampton: the two teams equidistant from the town of Rugby…
  • La Seyne – La Valette, Mont-de-Marsan – Dax, Racing – Stade Français: the first final, 1892, 4-3 and thousands of stitches over 125 years, a run still going.
  • Auckland – any other New Zealand team: it is a bit like Paris against the provinces. Do you know what a JAFA is? “Just Another Fucking Aucklander”…

The “Crunch” and old demons

France – England, since 1910. Jean-Pierre Rives: “We love the English so much that back then we wanted to beat them by a point in the last minute to hurt them even more. And not just us, the Welsh, the Irish and the Scots too. If you beat England, you win your Championship.”

England – Scotland: the Calcutta Cup, 1879, and on and on it goes.

From Painful Gulch to Fédérale 3

Saint-Nazaire – Trignac, Fédérale 3, 3,000 spectators and a mad feud; Trignac has only existed as a commune since 1914, the club since 1912. Cat and dog, yet inseparable from the Nazes (that is, the people of Saint-Nazaire). Courton-le-haut, Courton-le-bas…, the O’Timmins against the O’Harah (those rival families immortalised by Morris in Lucky Luke: “The Rivals of Painful Gulch”), the rivals of Painful Gulch…

Valentine’s Day, a celebration for lovers? In rugby, we would rather cherish our best enemy. As Pierre Desproges put it: “The enemy is stupid, he thinks we are the enemy when in fact he is.”

So today, give flowers to the man or woman you love. But if tomorrow means a derby for you, keep the candles for the heavens: the finest gift for an opponent will always be a legal, committed hit. A great derby is a rough embrace in the mud, all the better to toast each other at the bar during the third half. We only do battle in order to exist together: that is the whole brotherhood of the oval ball.